Are you a bit lonely?

That line came from one of Ven. Fulton Sheen’s telecast in the 1950s called ‘Loneliness’ that I have watched three times now, not only because of Bishop Sheen’s incredible sense of humor but also because every now and then, I get a bit lonely. And I am often reminded of it…

For instance, I tuned into an oldie movie one time, and the film’s first scene was a bunch of ladies chattering and gossiping inside a powder room. That scene only lasted about a minute or so, but as I looked at the atmosphere before me, my eyes started to water and there was a light pain in my heart that reminded me of the things I didn’t have.

It was one of those nights that I wished I wasn’t born in the 21st century. But, why? Apart from the fact that God willed me to be born in this era, I have so much to be thankful for: The 21st century is the most technologically advanced. Opportunities for all people spring everywhere. Life is relatively easier than it was in the centuries past…

But, now is also the most depressed, lonely, and most mentally difficult time ever. Especially as a Catholic woman trying to live her faith daily. Not only is community so hard to find, emotional connections are also so hard to make. People meet once and never see each other again. Everybody is scarred of asking each other for their phone numbers. Among the people you know, a misunderstanding or two sullies your connection, and you’re left thinking: Am I just destined to be lonely? Is this my life? Should I resign to the ‘will of God’?

Instead of lying all day wondering so, I got up and took a little walk around the park to find solutions. I looked through videos and articles about Catholic loneliness, single loneliness, and all the keywords in-between. I mostly came across topics on the epidemic of male loneliness. I thought to myself, ‘If it isn’t talked about for us dames, why should I be feeling so?’ I had to realize that loneliness exists for girls too, even if I’m the only woman that checked the box. So, I wondered around for more hours, days, weeks… Just wondering what it was and how to get out of the rut. Every now and then, an idea would pop in my mind, making me raise my head from whatever I was doing and stare out the window for ages.

Until the first thing I realized was that female loneliness may not be a popular topic because girls are generally better in having friendships, being more relationship-oriented. But that doesn’t nullify the fact that friendships and sisterhood is hard to build in this era.

So now, in the quiet of my dorm room, I often lay face-up at night, comfortable on my beige bedsheet and silk pillowcase, thinking… What happened? Or rather, am I getting the idea of friendship wrong?

The myth of girl friendships

Am I the only person who, as a young girl, devoured Disney Channel series and movies? You know? ‘Austin and Ally’, ‘Good Luck, Charlie’, ‘Mean Girls’, ‘Cheetah Girls’, ‘Violetta’… The list goes on. My two sisters and I, and sometimes, my cousins as well, would sit after school and on the weekends, watching episode after episode. One common thing with all these shows is that the girls in them were best-friends… For ever! The sort of BFF that was always there, even at 4am when someone’s boyfriend broke up with who knows who… Yes, I swallowed in every bit of that media, and would often fantasize about having my own BFF or clique, with lots of slumber parties, make overs, clique gossip, etc. Most of it was due to me being bullied in my early school days, and never really having that. I would often make videos of myself on my mum’s camera, singing and acting total rubbish with only my wild imagination as a talent. It was complete nonsense, but sometimes, it was the only way for me to feel like I belonged.

Now, there is nothing necessarily wrong with these shows, but for somebody like me, it represented a very unrealistic way of having female friendships. Not to say that it doesn’t exist: Most people have a ‘BFF’ or a clique that they rhyme with. These are more common in high school, and in fact, I have a ‘BFF’ and had a horrible excuse for a clique (but a clique, nonetheless) in high school. However, what I failed to understand is that times change as people grow up and move to college. Days get busier and more frantic. There becomes less and less time to worry about whose boyfriend broke up with who… And if, like me, you moved far away from home to go to university, the void is stronger because the people you built your life with are torn away from you.

I had tried to build friendships when I arrived to my new location, and I did get friends now and then. I have many friends now that were always there, but I failed to see as a ‘friend’ before. I usually held up my standard of friendship, heavily influenced by that ‘myth’, and back then, part of my depression was from the fact that I expected too much from someone I barely knew. Again, I used to think that the only way we could be friends was if we were BFF’s that never lived life out of each other’s spheres, and answered every of our texts or 4am calls.

But, in the recent year, I’ve come to realize that friendships, especially past high school isn’t always like that. And they don’t have to be your ‘BBF’ before you consider them a friend. Once I got that unrealistic bar out of my way, I saw friends all around me. I enjoyed any time I had with them, even if the next time I saw them was two weeks later.

BFF’s exist. Most people have one from their childhood, or family friends. I have one, even if she’s on the other side of the world. And I think it’s definitely nice to have one or two. Someone you can rant to for two hours about petty affairs. But even BFF’s grow up and get busy. ‘BFF’ status is not an important criteria to have a wholesome friendship.

The social divide

A painful divide that is most prevalent, unfortunately, in our society today. Everybody is left-wing or right-wing, Christian or atheist, conservative or liberal… And even people like me who find politics terribly boring and steer away from these sort of conversations are definitely affiliated with something, in mind. Being social beings, human beings cannot live without opinion. It is impossible. In fact, people have always lived with opinions. There has been a social divide in the centuries past. Individuals were divided by class, race, religion, occupation, political opinion, etc. But the thing that makes our era so peculiar is that common questions that arise today have never been questioned. And when all fundamental principles are gone, no common grounds exists to make light upon.

For instance, in the past, the very fact you had a roommate or was in a class with fellow pupils meant some possible close friendships forming. Girls found friendships in their boarding school mates, or with someone who they met at a knitting class, or a stranger they bumped into on the street. But nowadays, not everyone is in the same boat as you. The random gentleman you meet in the street may not want to get to know you past the night. You cannot make a hearty conversation without thinking of how not to offend the other person. The girls you meet at university these days only talk about how many shots of alcohol they had the night before, how much they’ve slept around, or how the men are so horrible. If you think different or wish to talk about something more wholesome, you have to keep shut. You can no longer relate with people on a common principle any longer. The common principle has vanished.

And sadly, even among Christian circles, the same case is the story. In the Catholic Church, there is also division. The fact that you are Catholic does not say much about you these days, because even in the Church, there seems to be different tribes. At the end, one is confined to a certain group at a certain parish, and God help them if something goes wrong with their small-knitted friend group, because then, they will have no friends.

But, who says so? Even if you cannot relate with the general populace, every individual in the general populace is a human being made by God. I had to learn to talk to people and get to know them, despite any uncommon grounds. We may never see each other again, but I talked to them, and for that while, I really wasn’t lonely!

The bubble thing

Another addition to the problem is that people shut themselves around a bubble. This bubble could be themselves, their too-comfortable social circle, family, work, and even technology. Of themselves, none of these things are bad. In fact, they are essential to man’s natural happiness on earth, but the issue always arrives when one becomes too attached to these things. One becomes horrified at even the thought of stepping out of this comfort zone. And every one is guilty of this to some degree. It is because of attachment to ourselves and our pleasures that we as fallen beings have earned the reputation before all creation as sinners. We take something that is created and give it the status of the Creator.

In Ven. Fulton Sheen’s telecast that I had referenced earlier, he mentioned that loneliness is the fault of two types of people in this world: The people who are lonely, and the people who are not lonely. And after thinking about it, I have figured that these two types of people have something in common: The bubble thing.

For the people who are lonely, they enclose themselves about their thoughts, their feelings, on the reality of ‘how lonely they are’. It is as if they lock themselves in a room voluntarily and cry that they cannot get out. In Fulton Sheen’s word, they are seeking to be loved more than they are loved.

At first, this sounded outrageous. Here I was feeling genuine sadness of being lonely, only to hear that I might be selfish too! But after sitting down with the thought on my mind for a while, I realized that perhaps, Bishop Sheen was right. If I stepped out of my bubble, interacted with people more naturally and lived in the present, I would make quality friends. If I stopped internalizing my worth before others and served my immediate community, I would not remember how lonely I was. If I stopped being attached to myself and my wants, I would recognize God as my ultimate friend and rest in His love. I had the key to unlock the door, and I just had to unlock it and step out of my comfort zone -that included not throwing a pity-party on the odd lonely day.

For the people who are not lonely (or to put it more accurately, people who consider themselves not lonely), they enclose themselves around their comfortable friend circle, their family, work, technology and social media, which sometimes, they are tempted to regard above their love for God. If they loved God, they would recognize that life does exist outside of their bubble. And in this life, there are people walking around with broken hearts, yearning to share with someone that they do not have.

Less lonely people are sometimes attached to their comfortable circumstances that they forget the needs of their neighbor. I figured I was guilty of this. Are you? The next time you see somebody wandering around in a room full of people, walk up to them and say hello. They might just be as lonely as you are.

The void

Lastly, there is a void somewhere in the heart that nobody can get rid of. It throbs harder and faster than your heart beat. It is the reason you keep awake at night, even with every thing you could possibly have in your life. It keeps your eyes wide open, like a tooth ache would, and you find yourself sighing. It just isn’t enough.

It will never be enough.

Even if you had 10,000 friends, 10,000 BFF’s, you would still sigh. Your heart would still ache for something more. That something was not created. Your heart aches for God. You cannot fill what was made for supernatural love with earthly love.

The moment I realized that truth -really realized it- I stopped searching, knowing that what I was looking for was not here on earth. So even after a week of meeting with friends and having wholesome conversations and hearty laughter, I would come back to my room and feel the ache, but I wouldn’t worry any longer. Because the ache was God knocking on the door of my heart to let him in, and now, I always try to let him in.

Lonely or not lonely, the void will always be there, till death do you part. Wouldn’t it be lovely if you just realized what that void was and rested in the fact that you cannot remove it until you die? It is like searching for a pearl in a dumpster and being told it is not in the dumpster, but in your father’s house far far away. And that you would be given the pearl when you arrived home for Christmas. You know you will find it, but just in a little while longer.

So why the fuss?

The bottom line

Yes, sisterhood is hard to form because the society has gone rotten, and your affiliations may be the very reason that you cannot relate with most women. Spontaneous friendships among girls like us have plummeted, but it is not impossible to stumble upon one every now and then. I say be proactive with the problem and build community, or find one and help. Change your perspective on friendship and get to meet and know people genuinely. Pray to God for good friendships and cherish the ones you already have, without becoming unhealthily attached. And last of all, do not think of loneliness as an enemy. Whenever you find yourself lonely, engage in a hobby or better yet, give it to God that knows best, and remind yourself that you are not missing out on anything. God wants you here and alone with him at this time. There is time to be lonely and time not to be lonely… Trust me, you will end up finding sisterhood someway, somehow.

Now… I’m a bit lonely. Are you a bit lonely? Email me about this post and let’s chat some more!