Girlish muddles

What if I’m growing up too fast? Should I settle down now?… What will I want to do later on in life?

Questions like this run across my mind endlessly. I find myself dwelling on frivolous things at all times: In my boring physiology lectures; on my study desk when I’m trying to pay attention to my book; or while walking to mass some days. It never stops running through my mind. In fact, the worst part is that I can never place a finger on any of my particular worries or whimsical desires. They’re always just there. 99.9% of those thoughts come when baroque symphonies hit my ears, or as I walk across a field of Irish green grass. Of course, I’m apt to feel like there’s more to this mundane life. As a Christian, I know that there is more. I’m made for heaven, which is better than the most fanciful fairy-tale land I could ever step into. But even knowing that doesn’t seem to be enough. I want to feel what it is like before being there, hopefully, one day. I have heard that it is healthy for the young to dream. But do I dream too much?

Along with this ache comes many different muddles that makes me wonder if I’m the only one aware of it.

No sense of direction

People have often told me that I look and act more mature than my age. The complement used to surprise me, but not any longer. Now, it worries me. What is maturity? Am I getting older faster? And for those who do ‘grow up faster’, is it right for them to feel like they have no direction in life? What if what you want in life seems silly in the eyes of the world? Is desiring what the ‘mature’ desire bad? Is it naive to think about a spouse at twenty?

What is this maturity?

I’ve learnt that to be mature is two things: to think and act sensibly, even if it goes against your appetites; and to recognize things as they are and allow yourself to be corrected when you are wrong. The first part of the definition requires fortitude, and the second requires humility. Did you notice that they are both virtues?

How many people today possess the courage to put away the thoughts of a child and put on the mind of an adult? On the other hand, how many people choose to see the world as it, without imprinting their own misconceived truths onto it? People cower under the idea of expressing themselves contrary to what the popular culture says. Other people are too mature, or perhaps, think themselves to be more mature than they actually are. Because they have grown older and acquired ‘wisdom’, they refuse to be corrected when they err.

Only few possess the odd but beautiful juxtaposition of being adult, while recognizing that there is something above them. And in no way have I checked all the boxes…

I have learnt that it’s important to have fortitude in living life, seeking your purpose daily, even if your purpose is not popular. And if you haven’t found your mission yet or are not sure, I’ve also realized that it’s alright to have no sense of direction. While being mature -if I dare say that I am- I find it relieving to know that not everything rests in my strength. As a child of God, you should not care too much, knowing that your Father has the wheels under his gentle grip.

“Seek first the kingdom of God and the rest shall be added unto you.”

And while you seek, be rest assured that your heart will hunger after fancies: Dreams that make the stomach flutter. I have had much experience of these dreams to be able to tag them a name…

Whimsical hungers

St. Anthony the Great once said, ‘A time is coming when men will go mad, and when they see someone who is not mad, they will attack him, saying, ‘You are mad; you are not like us.”

Boy, was he right. How many times have I been told I am mad for dreaming too much and desiring things that women have always desired? Or perhaps, not mad, but immature. Yes, the very same people who tell me that I am mature, seem to think that I am not the minute I open my mouth to speak of dreams.

Have you ever felt like Cinderella, going on to believe that there is some goodness in the world? And with your pretty head, you go around thinking well of people and forgiving their shortcomings towards you? Do you dream of a tiny house with your pretty happy family and a life full of cupcakes and rainbows? What about cozy days in front of your fire with a good book and mug of hot chocolate beside you? Well, it turns out that ladies with these playful hungers are yet to ‘grow up’. And by that, does it mean that life is not allowed to have its share of magic dust? Is the melancholy of life permitted to drown the genuinely happy times? Are we not allowed to dream of a life full of cheer and dance because of the anticipation of life’s pains?

No doubt, there are some things that I have come to see in a better light as a result of growing up and having experiences. I have serially collected my accolades of people that I don’t like and people who don’t like me. I have also realized that the world has gone rotten and is full of fallen beings, me included. However, I do not believe that life should be defined by how horrible the world is. Yes, there are bad times, but the happy moments should be more cherished.

Statements like ‘you are still a small girl, wait till you grow up and see life…’ and ‘wait till you get married and have children…’ make me stay up at night, thinking whether I shall yet descend into becoming the sadistic old maid that I am so afraid of. I believe that there are difficulties yet to come in the stages of my life, but I don’t believe that playfulness should be taken off as I experience them.

It is very possible to go on living like Cinderella all the days of your life, but I suppose many have allowed themselves to morph into the crooked old stepmother because of how the world has treated them. We must learn to be happy at all times, good and bad. Carrying grudges over the bad experiences that you have or are undergoing will only make you bitter, and supposing yourself to be ‘mature’, you forget the child in you.

The renowned British author of the Chronicles of Narnia series, C.S. Lewis, documents that splendidly in one of his books, ‘The Screwtape Letters’. One of Screwtape’s advice to his demon cousin, Wormwood, in tempting a man to his damnation was to make him think that ‘real life’ was the war, hunger, death, sadness, despair. Screwtape warned not to allow the man to take pleasure in the delights of life, but to focus on the horrible moments. In the course of that advice, Screwtape also mentioned that man is often apt to think of ‘real life’ as the grim days only, while forgetting that the happy days are real too.

Of course, this is an advice from a demon, seeking to secure the damnation of a man, so like all the other advices from Screwtape, I took this counterintuitively. In other words, the devils want you sadistic, despairing, unloving, unchildlike. They want you to grow bitter about the world that God has made so that you forget to be happy, and end up hating yourself and the Creator that made you. Unfortunately, many people let the devils do this to them. Sometimes, I have. Have you?

Whether you are twenty, forty, or fifty, whenever you feel like dancing ballet in your kitchen, do! Life is too short.

Great Expectations

There are so many things I’d like to do in this short life, and for that reason, I suppose it’s normal to feel as if I’m constantly running of time. For one, I am running out of time: Every breath I take is one breath less till my last breath. If that is true -and it is- I must then use time as a valuable gift.

Almost four years ago, when I reverted to practicing my faith more earnestly, one of the things I realized was just how much time I had been wasting. Like St. Augustine (a doctor and theologian of the Catholic Church) once testified, I had begun loving God too late. I also understood that my God-given talents had been used carelessly, or even worse, not even used at all, to do good. I had so many hobbies -and still do: Writing, reading, baking, cooking, etc. and so many more (e.g. Painting) affinities, I would like to learn too. However, my past days as a careless girl was spent, if not in school, in front of the television, on my phone, eating, or sleeping too much. So, along with my repentance came an uncontrollable urge not to waste time.

I decided to start developing my hobbies, and learn new ones that interested me. Though, I have gone a long way from where I was four years ago, I sometimes fail to realize that there is also time for rest and play. Most times, I get caught up in trying not to waste time, filling up every split second with something meaningful to do, that I forget rest is important too.

There were some nights when guilt would plague me as I laid in bed on a lonely Sunday night, taking some legitimate rest or watching a film. ‘You ought to be doing something more meaningful with your time…’ my conscience would say. And I would listen. I should’ve realized that even then, when it seemed like I was doing nothing, I was legitimately busy. Busy taking some time off.

It is healthy to have great expectations for yourself. It keeps you moving and making impact with the time God has given you. But after my experience, I think that while engaging in work, it is also important to recognize when rest is needed. On the other hand, care should be taken lest you find yourself becoming slothful…

The balance, friends, is where the virtue is.

Catastrophic feelings

Coming of age brings with it exaggerated feelings and desires, that almost seem to want to overwhelm us. As a young lady, did you or have you ever felt like you feel too much? Too much pain, anxiety, fear, sadness, joy, energy, aspiration? Does every experience you come across leave an indelible impression on you? Do you make mountains out of molehills, no matter how hard you try not to?

Perhaps, in my life, this phenomenon comes with the fact I am a very sensitive person. However, I have heard that women feel everything. Excess positive and negative emotions swirling around inside you to make this explosive cocktail of emotions. The first thing I do to calm my nerves down is to remove the stimulus: If someone is making me sad, I patch up things with the person or avoid the person. If something is making me anxious, I let go the thought of it and find a healthy outlet to relax. But sometimes, I can’t control the emotional cocktail, and in that case, I have often yearned for an external voice to tell me what I’m feeling… and that it’s alright to feel like so.

For example, in the classic film, ‘Sound of Music’, there is a scene, just after Maria’s wedding to Captain Von Trapp, where Liesl, the eldest girl, asks Maria this exact question… Or something like it:

Sound of Music (1965)

‘Mother,’ she said. ‘ What do you do when you stop loving someone? Or when he stops loving you?’

Maria replied. ‘Well, you cry a little. And then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does.’

‘There are so many things I think I should know, but I don’t.’

‘How can you?’ Maria smiled.

‘Sometimes, I feel the world is coming to end-‘

‘And then you feel it’s just beginning?’

‘Yes!’

I too had screamed ‘yes!’ in front of the television. I’m sure my eyes gleamed the same way Liesl’s did as she smiled at Maria in satisfaction. But how many of us dames have a Maria Von Trapp to sit with us and chat about frivolous topics like these? Frivolous they are, indeed, but we feel every bit of it. My grief is that ladies these days are conditioned to throw away their femininity, so that the situation of a woman being vulnerable to a thousand emotions (per second) is taboo to talk about. One thing I had to learn was that emotional vulnerability in women is essential to our nurturing nature. How can we be able to sympathize with our children, our friends, spouse, or loved ones if we do not have this hypersensitivity of the heart?

So, as catastrophic as my moods may be -today being happy, tomorrow wanting to die- it is healthy to feel everything than to feel nothing. In fact, I am now proud of it. And I think all women who feel the same should be too, despite what anybody may think.

To wrap up,

Women and girls have muddles that I think they are shy to express. In my experience, I feel I have often come off as whiny or annoying when speaking about these things -sometimes, in excess. Because of that, I’ve bullied myself into suppressing them, but after considering how horrible the world has gone from so much suppressed girlishness, I let the tap run. It’ll run and spill over carelessly, but it’s better than keeping all the pressure bottled up.

Let those desires, fears, and expectations live! It’s from all that energy that you can draw the motivation to impact the world.

Oh, and don’t forget God. Your hearts will forever be restless until they rest in Him.

Do you have girlish muddles too? Email me about this post and let’s chat!