Friendship: For the Introverted Woman

Sometimes, friendship means more than a company of like-minded people. To find friendship is to find a warm home in the heart of another.

As an adolescent, I valued myself by how many friends I could count around me at most times. Even if they were more like acquaintances, as long as we laughed together and told jokes, I considered them ‘my friend’, in the real sense of the word. Unfortunately, I often ended up placing unrealistic expectations on these acquaintances, trying and forcing it to be a real friendship -the kind where the friend knew you too personally. It always finished with me getting hurt, and dropping my self-esteem. I had never really understood that perhaps, the type of friendship I was looking for was different. Now, after a lot of experiences, I have concluded that while everybody may have acquaintances, some would love to trade most of their acquaintances for personal friendships.

As an introvert, I feel this is especially true in my life. Being at a quiet place with only one personal friend is better than being at a party or an event with a hundred people that I only ‘know’.

While having this dilemma that may often come across as needy and attached, the sooner I understood who I am and the types of mingling environments I can sync with, the sooner I realized how easy it is to tap into that and have more meaningful friendships.

The Introverted Woman

Most people think that introverts prefer to keep to themselves. This isn’t true, at least for me. In my family, I am notorious for wanting to be where everyone in the house is. The sound of life, like laughter, conversation, etc., lightens my heart and grounds me in the present. All my worries pass away while in the presence of familiar persons who love and are loved by me. It is then that I feel I can truly be myself.

My introversion is based on the fact that I like to be home, as I’d written about in the last article. However, it doesn’t always mean a physical home, but a home in the hearts of those I love. Some may like to keep to themselves but with the faithful company of those whose presence really matters.

Regardless, it’s hard to fulfill those needs in our world. We live in a world that loves isolation: If you do not like to go to events and mingle with people, then you better stay at home and seclude yourself. As far as I know, this isn’t how it has always been. This came with the advent of technology, whose social media has succeeded in creating virtual worlds for people to get lost in, throwing away the real need for in-person communication. I have been in houses where the occupants, though together, rarely talk to each other, because of technology. And even when they bond, it is over technology (i.e. Television). Nowadays, introverts are pictured as couch potatoes or fellows who keep to themselves, scrolling through TikTok for hours, as opposed to the past when introverts made meaningful friendships among themselves or spent their time engaging in meaningful hobbies.

Technology is not the only source of pleasure. I yearn to be weaned from the need to experience pleasure by it. My device can and has helped me a great deal, but in the end, it is nothing but a coil of wires and coded programs. It does not have a beating heart.

So, amid our isolation, how do we cultivate friendships that matter as introverted women? As introverts, what are we even looking for in a friendship?

Home

A home is a place you return to for comfort, light, and peace. Home is home because it is different from the rest of the world.

I know that while I speak to a friend, I am ultimately -subconsciously- nesting. I am not sure if this is a ‘woman-thing’ or not, but I make my nest in friends’ hearts and I’m hoping they’re doing the same in mine so that when the world disappoints, we can come home to each other’s hearts to find that comfort, light, and peace. That being said, I price a friendship very highly based on how many times I can home to his or her heart, and how easily I can do so.

This may scream attachment issues, but aren’t we already too detached in this world? Dare I say, many people kill themselves because they have no homely heart to come home to. They are really alone, though surrounded by walls, food, water, and technology.

So, do not be afraid to acknowledge it if you are more drawn to deeper conversations and moments with friends, other than talking about the weather, or how the day is and how work/school life is faring. However, it is important to figure out whose heart you’re trying to build your nest in. Not everyone wants to be or has the capacity to be deep friends with you, and that’s alright. Find and pray for such a one and God will bring them to you eventually. You were not made to be alone.

As a Catholic woman, I mostly find a home in the hearts of like-minded individuals, with whom I can journey in the faith. But first, I build my nest in God’s heart, which is my homeliest home, and then I ask Him to grant me that worthy friend that I can actually see and speak with -a friend that can bring me closer to Him.

And sometimes, it’s hard to live with yourself when you feel like you don’t and are never going to have that person(s). Except I am home, I am constantly feeling lonely and insecure, but I’m slowly learning that though those feelings will remain till I depart this earth, perhaps, there are things I can do to help myself.

Heart-warming and Creative Hobbies

I have a myriad of things I like to do when the sun isn’t shining on me. For example, reading wholesome novels puts me in a world and introduces me to characters who sometimes, are as real as the steaming cup of tea beside me. Some people find solace in nature walks, biking, cooking, knitting, community service, etc., and while these are great ways to make use of your time as an introverted woman, often these activities become your gateway to meeting new people and forming friendships that will matter to you and them.

So, whenever you find yourself isolated and anxious, engage yourself in an activity that you love -one that brings you joy while prompting you to create something. Use that for the betterment of your nearest society and perhaps, you may just have your prayers answered while at it.

For instance: Are you an avid reader? Consider starting a book club, if you are able. Do you find joy in writing? How about starting a blog or being as ambitious as I am and authoring a book? Are you a great cook? Find ways you can use that to help your neighborhood or town. And if you are a wonderful artist, why not develop that and make it into an engagement that will bless people? I could go on, really, but I think you get the gist.

Other Introverted Women

Find them. It’s quite easy to notice them in a crowd. In fact, after speaking to people I think are extroverted, I discovered that they are really not. However, you may find your fellow introverts in small gatherings, less crowded events, and the like -at least that’s where you would find me. Again, not everyone may be disposed to be your deep friend, but chances are that there is someone who is feeling as left out and unsure about having friends as you are.

Whomever you think may be interested, invite them to frequent heart-to-heart meet-ups, where you can get to know them better and ponder their shared experiences. A deep friendship cannot be formed without time investment, and sometimes, your friend(s) will be a little less introverted than you are or vice versa, but the goal is for you to be able to find a home in their heart, and for them to find one in yours.

The Good Friend

The most important point is that nobody can find ‘the good’ or ‘the perfect’ friend. Neither can you be one, because you are not perfect. The only perfect friend in my life is God.

Nonetheless, that does not excuse you from being thoughtful, helpful, and inspiring in your friendships. You should also not be the friend that doesn’t like seeing her friend with other friends if you know what I mean. Cry with your friend and rejoice with her in the appropriate seasons. Encourage and be encouraged by your friend. Counsel your friend in difficult times. Pray for them. Be happy to engage with your friend in like hobbies, but also be content when your friend is engaged somewhere you cannot be. You are friends, but you are also individuals. Your life should not revolve around each other, and when it starts to do so, go back to the drawing board and fix it. If you can’t fix it, it may be time to break up and see less of each other.

This is the hard pill to swallow, but we must remember that no friendship is true if it cuts us off from the rest of the world and especially from God. As St. Augustine, a doctor of the Catholic Church, stated, ” No friends are true friends unless You, my God, bind them fast to one another through the love which is sown in our hearts by the Holy Spirit.”

And the love of the Holy Ghost is a communicative love. Not one of isolation.

Therefore,

Go forth, be fruitful, and multiply! Make more meaningful friends and pray for them to be granted to you. The love between those in a holy friendship does more than instill joy between the friends. It redeems society because it is from holy friendships that noble causes are born. If we had more holy friendships in this world, the world would indeed be a better place.

Now, are you an introverted woman? If so, have you found it difficult to make meaningful friendships and cultivate them? How do you navigate that? I would love to know your thoughts!

But, for now…