DREAMS OF TOMORROW

Sometimes, I ask myself, ‘Could it really be that men and women are from different planets?’… Because it certainly does feel like we are!

From time immemorial, I have heard this phrase, ‘Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus.’ I have never really thought much about it until recent years in my life, because until recently, I have lived my life with women

Though I’m blessed to have two parents in my home, my mother is the most present, since my father is often busy with work. So, I was raised mostly by my mother, and my only brother is six years younger than me. For first-year high school, I went to an all-girls school, and even when I changed to a co-ed school in the second year, I always naturally found myself in girls’ circles. All my best friends were and still are girls.

Though I couldn’t have it any other way, sometimes, I wish I did, because that would make me a little bit more normal when I engage with the opposite sex…

It would, right? Or is it just me? Is there something overtly different between my makeup and the makeup of the other sex that makes it so hard to have friendships with them? Should I even be trying to have male friends? Can boys and girls be friends, to begin with?

It depends on what I mean by ‘friends’, and regarding this topic, it would be best to start by defining the word and understanding the conditions for friendship. For this, I think I can borrow a little bit of wisdom from C.S. Lewis.

Friendship between different sexes.

Lewis defines friendship as the bond between two or more people, which arises when the parties discover a common goal, ideal, or interest between them. He explains it as two or more people who ‘see the same truth [or lie]’ -whatever that may be- and chase that idea side-by-side. The natural ‘getting-to-know-each-other’ thing that comes later comes as an accidental consequence of this bond. Now that we have defined friendship in the eyes of Lewis, it would be good to think about how this, in its pure sense, could foster between two people of the opposite sex.

“When two people who thus discover that they are on the same secret road [common interests], are of different sexes, the friendship which arises between them will very easily pass into erotic love. Unless they are physically repulsive to each other, or unless one or both already loves elsewhere, it is almost certain to do so sooner or later.” -C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves.

The first time I had read that, I paused. But when the thought had settled in my mind, it began to resonate. Indeed, how could I develop such a close bond with a boy without growing some type of feeling?

Later, in the chapter, Lewis gives a reason for this statement. He isn’t afraid to admit the difference between the sexes. From his words, I would imply that ‘men talk men stuff’ and ‘women talk women stuff’; therefore, both cannot be pure friends, because there is nothing to be friends about. In other words, men and women just happen to care about different things. Men talk about subjects, women talk about people. Does this mean that boys and girls should never, and in fact, never do talk to each other? I would reply that Lewis states that the only two loves that can exist between the two sexes are Eros (Romantic love) and Affection (as between a brother and a sister).

Is that controversial? Offensive, even? I encourage you to think about it, as I am now. I don’t know about you, but in all the “friendships” I’ve had with the opposite sex, it’s either I considered him a brother to me or that he happened to be one of my crushes.

This phenomenon, regardless, troubled me and continues to do so. But, I have newly learnt that trying to bridge the ‘friendship-gap’ between men and women brings more harm than good. Boys and girls cannot be friends in the same way that boys can be friends with boys, and girls can be friends with girls. And it’s okay. It’s normal.

Lewis states that:

” Where the sexes, having no real shared activities, can meet only in Affection and Eros, cannot be friends, it is healthy that each should have a lively sense of the other’s [the other sex’s] absurdity. Indeed, it is always healthy.“

“At a mixed party they [girls] gravitate to one end of the room and talk women’s talk to one another. They don’t want us[boys], for this sort of purpose, any more than we want them. It is only the riff-raff of each sex that wants to be incessantly hanging on the other. Live and let live. They laugh at us a good deal. That is just as it should be.“

What a blessing it was to have somebody say that. I had to finally start unlearning the idea that I was somehow dysfunctional for not being able to have male friends. If you have the same “problem”, don’t worry. I say to live and let live. Do not try to force deep friendships with the opposite sex, especially if you find nothing to engage with on common ground. Of course, if it happens naturally with a certain man, hats off.

Now, it may seem that the question posed at the beginning of this article is answered. You may be thinking that I have leveraged C.S. Lewis’ thought to say that men and women cannot be friends. And perhaps, you are right in thinking so. For me, it only makes sense. It is either I consider a man a ‘friend’ (i.e., a brother to me), or I have feelings for him, or I don’t even consider him as anything at all. Perhaps a stranger or an acquaintance, but nothing more.

That being said, how do we deal with that? Of course, boys and girls were not meant to live on separate planets. But for the life of me, how do we live together in the same world without having internal crises?

Understanding “why?”

I once heard a clergyman of mine say that boys and girls of this age are becoming too familiar with each other, and I thought to myself, ‘Whatever does he mean? Should boys and girls not be friends? Isn’t that too sexist to think?’ However, after I recalled the reasoning that I’ve outlined above, I realized that the statement made sense. Some of the implications of the opposite sexes becoming too familiar with each other are heartbreak, low self-esteem, and the destruction of the differences between them, so that you have women wanting to become men these days, and vice versa.

The only way you can truly appreciate the beauty of one thing and differentiate it from the beauty of another is if you have those two things separate. However, in this age, we have striven to destroy the differences between the sexes by amalgamating spaces for boys and girls into one, and glorifying masculine women and feminine men. Therefore, the beauty of the male and female has become obscured. It has become this blurry brown pool of mire that bogs down the esteem of either sex. You find girls misunderstanding boys, and boys misunderstanding girls. At the end of the day, you have either of them hating the other and questioning their own self-value: Girls demeaning boys while trying to earn their approval, and boys ridiculing girls while suffering from chronic loneliness and sex addiction.

We know this. However, when we hear that boys and girls, in most cases, should really have separate spaces and should not try to unduly force themselves into the other’s, we shrink and say ‘that’s sexist!’ But, is it? Shouldn’t it be encouraged for the purpose of treating the problem?

So, why should boys and girls, for the most part, have separate spaces of learning and socialization?

An American Catholic prelate, Venerable Fulton Sheen, had once said something that I think would be a good answer. In one of his telecasts, titled ‘Courtship’, he explained that, in their adolescence especially, boys and girls ought to be separated on many occasions, or else, there will be a malformation of either of them, leading to overt self-identity crises later on. This may also apply to the sexes as they grow up. In fact, he never speaks of friendship between boys and girls. Though he does not call them by name, the only two loves he speaks of between the two sexes are affection and Eros, mirroring Lewis’s deduction.

Hence, according to Ven. Fulton Sheen (and Lewis), in order to appreciate the other sex and live harmoniously with them, the way to go is not to try to be like them, or to invade each other’s spaces. Boys and girls can have harmony and come together in a beautiful way. It happens naturally in society, and doesn’t have to be forced. But first, there must be something that separates us.

Real Relationship Between the Two Sexes

After all I’ve said, does it mean boys and girls should never speak to each other? And that those who have friends of the opposite sex are doing something wrong? Of course, not.

Firstly, the real conclusion is that for boys and girls to flourish, there should be spaces that allow for either sex to live as a woman or a man, without tension. The two sexes will obviously meet in various societal occasions like work, college, hobbies, family occasions, and church; however, it is important for either of them to establish themselves as what they are before ‘going out into the world’, over and over again.

Therefore, perhaps, boys and girls, men and women, are not supposed to be friends, outside the loves of Eros and Affection. Trying to force it, as I have reasoned, leads to more harm than good. I think that boys and girls can be lovers. They can also be purely fraternal, or maybe just acquaintances. However, at least it has been proved in my own life that it is nearly impossible to develop a deep friendship with the opposite sex and have it stay that way. I will never be able to interact with a boy in the same way I would interact with a fellow girl, but I had to learn that it’s alright like that. In this age, it certainly doesn’t feel so, but it’s perfectly normal.

And before we close, I’ll give you a visual example, in case you think me mad:

If you’re familiar with Louisa May Alcott’s story, Little Women, perhaps, you can get a good picture of what I’m speaking about. Laurie was like a brother to all the March sisters, most especially Jo and Amy March. However, as soon as the relationship between Laurie and Jo began going deeper, it started to do something to Laurie’s heart. Jo rejected Laurie’s feelings and chose to remain fraternal with him, but Amy accepted his romantic confession later on.

Do you now see what I mean?

So. What is my final say?

Men are not from Mars, and women are not from Venus.

It seems that way because we look like different species of the same creature. But God made us like that and placed us both on planet Earth. Therefore, we can best co-abide with each other by acknowledging our differences and not trying to force something between ourselves that was never meant to be. Culturing male friendships the same way one cultures female friendships can be likened to walking a tight rope. It will be very hard not to fall on either side. If a certain man is not romantically related to you, it is best to treat him as an acquaintance, or if you know him long enough, a brother.

But trying to change who you are for the sake of some hypothetical male friendship, or envying other women who seem to have it cool with the guys, will only break you. That was the lesson I didn’t know earlier, and how much heartbreak it would have saved if I had known!

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Do you agree with the reasoning above concerning relationships between the two sexes? Do you have anything to add?

Until then.

Au revoir,

Christine.